A Very Dysfunctional Christmas

I stopped doing Christmas cards a while back. It's not that I don't want to do them or like getting them, but I just haven't had time. Still, I'm always excited when I get them in the mail. Even more than Christmas cards, I love the family holiday newsletter. I love it for two reasons: 1. either I genuinely like reading what people in my life are up to or 2. they are so ridiculous that they make for great entertainment. However, I've noticed the trend that people seem to pick the best moments of their year to feature in the holiday letter and nothing more. "Little Sally got all A's on her report card," or "Bob is loving his new, million-dollar-a-year job at Rich People R Us." For once, I'd love to see this letter:

Dear Friends and Family,

Well, it's been another year. I can't believe I've lived through it.

We started off this year with a bang in January. No, seriously...we did. Caught Betty Jane in bed with her boyfriend, unfortunately. Turns out prom isn't the only time you have to worry. The ninth grade dance is just as bad. Through us for a loop, but we made sure we got her protection from then on.

In February, we found out we were a little to late. No, seriously...we were. Betty Jane missed her period. Guess we should've bought her the condoms a long time ago. Shit.

In the spring, things were looking up. After being fired on Christmas Eve last year, Bob finally got a new job. Sure, it's doing the same thing he was doing before for less pay, but at least now we can support his cigarette habit without me having to sell my rare beanie baby collection.

The rest of the year was a bit of a blur. Sally got detention nineteen times, but we mostly attribute this to a teacher that doesn't like her and the fact that she's not cute enough to worm her way out of it. Bob got fired again and is currently on the hunt for a new job. Who knew there was a three drink only rule when you're doing elevator maintenance? Betty Jane's pregnancy progressed nicely, and lucky for us, the current jean size I wear to cover the spare tire around my waist was just the right size "fat."

Betty gave birth in October to a little girl (God, help us), and she named her Blessing. (Yeah, I know. Obnoxious, right? Next time, I'm imposing a "only people over driving age can name the baby, even if you birthed the thing). Three jobs later, Bob is now running the carousel at the local mall and nursing a healthy alcohol problem. Sally's still in detention every other day, but I guess it's a good thing, because if she was home more, we'd probably get sick of her and finally let it slip that she's adopted.

As for me, I'm doing all right. I'm still working the same old job at the Dollars and Dimes register, and I'm saving for a family vacation to Alaska next decade. Meanwhile, I deal with my disappointing daughters and my husband's neglect by indulging in my two favorite hobbies: ebay and eating.

We hope your year has been as eventful as ours. Happy New Year!

Love,

Jill, Bob, Betty Jane, Sally, and that baby whose name I swore I wouldn't type twice in one letter

What would you include in a letter about your family this year?